Today, I know that I will never diet or restrict my eating again. And I know that my body has a kind of wisdom about what size it should be that my mind does not have. I know that food, as a subject and a lifestyle, is central to not only my work but who I am. When I think about my purpose or my personal mission or whatever, I know it involves helping others make the connection between better food and a better  life, whole ingredients and health as well as pleasure, cooking and connectedness between individuals, family, and culture. I know that whether you think so or not, food is the stuff of your identity.

Let me be as honest as I can be at this moment: I have signed on for a project, one that I want to devote the lion’s share of my time and energy to, and I don’t know where that leaves this blog. If I only have the time to maintain one of my blogs, it’s got to be Oyster Evangelist. That is who I am and what I’m all about. That is who I want to be.

The thing that really brought this to my attention right now is that I just read this New York magazine article about Christina Hendricks of Mad Men. Predictably, it’s focused on her body shape and size. This is how the writer concludes the piece:

As for the body question, she’ll answer it when asked, but mostly it bores her. “It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth,” she says. “Back when I was modeling, if someone said ‘I’m fasting,’ I would say, ‘Can’t we talk about something else?’

It struck me. On the one hand, I know it’s very important that if women are ever really going to enjoy equal rights with men this punishing and relentless scrutiny and objectification of our bodies must stop, and nothing that ingrained stops without analysis and discussion. On the other hand, when I think about the hours, years, decades of my life that have been sacrificed to body loathing and dieting, I just don’t want to surrender another second to it.

Recently, in two separate conversations, I have had a glimpse of how far I’ve come in all this. A friend of mine, approximately my size, came close to tears telling me she eats just 1,200 calories a day and can’t lose weight. I was torn between decking her and hugging her. I told her that she doesn’t have to lose weight, that she looks gorgeous just the way she is, but I could see she wasn’t buying it. There’s nothing I can say to her to break through, to bring her over to the place where I am right now. It’s not a place of total acceptance but it is a place where I don’t feel the need to eat a low calorie diet. It is a place where I can see that deprivation and virtue and thinness are not all the same thing.

On another occasion, I was talking to a woman who wanted to lose 10 pounds because she said she didn’t want to be the largest bridesmaid at an upcoming wedding. I tried to tell her that that was crazy talk, that a man would never even think anything like that. I asked her if she would feel bad about being the tallest bridesmaid. During this conversation an older woman, in her 50s or 60s, came over to us, incredulous that me and this other women–both of us clearly not fat–were even having this conversation. “You don’t think you need to lose weight, do you?” she asked.

“NO!” I said. And I really meant it. I want to be healthy, I want to be fit, I want to enjoy food without overeating, but I do not think I need to lose weight. That is a big leap from where I was in my head when I started this blog. And as my time constricts going forward, does it serve me (or you) to continue discussion it? As Christine Hendricks said, can’t we talk about something else?

You know going to a professional conference was one of my New Year’s resolutions, and now I can cross that off the list. Whatever your field, I highly recommend it. It does make you feel like part of a community and more connected to a wider array of colleagues. If you are interested in watching videos of all the great panels that were part of the event, you can check them out here.

I haven’t been doing so well with my commitment to fitness. Between the snow, my back, and the crazy things that have been going on in my life, I was not working out at all for about two weeks. Yesterday was my first trip back to the gym and I was being extra cautious because of my back pain, though I’m now pretty sure I know what is causing it: my office chair. During the two days I spent in New York I had not even a slight twinge of pain. Yesterday, after a very short time back at my desk, the pain returned. I think I must need a different chair. The only thing is I don’t know what’s wrong with this one or what to look for in a replacement. Any tips?

Remember when I used to run? Ah, those were the days. I haven’t even been back to the gym since my personal training session resulted in back complications. And you know what? Tomorrow I’m headed out of town for a food writing conference. (What do a wear to a professional conference? Are jeans OK?) So, next week, let’s hope that eating, exercising, and blogging all resume their rightful places in my life.

Relaxation has never been my strong suit but I’m going to try my damnedest to enjoy to quiet of the impending snow storm. Reader tips for taking your mind off things are welcome. I hope everyone of you cooks something over the weekend. I suggest soup for you vegetarians and lamb loin chops for the carnivores. Quick, run to the supermarket so you can get ingredients and take part in the pre-blizzard melee!

OK, this is officially the end of week four. So here’s the wrap up:

Weight: down 1 pound from last last week, 4 pounds from January 1. Some of that is the dramatic reduction in booze, but some of it is a natural part of returning to a normal schedule, post holidays.

Sleep: My sleep was overall pretty good, the night I had two drinks, I did, predictably, wake up at 2 am, but I was only awake a half hour.

Work: I’ve been satisfied with my level of output. I’ve sent a few queries, which feels good.

Working Out: I’ve had some issues with my back, but I’ve worked out in some form or another 5 times since this time last week. One of those times was my first ever personal training session, which I just returned from. I just plunked down $375 for five sessions with Pete Mattis, one of Sweat Fitness‘ most experienced trainers. I could have saved a few dollars and gone with a less experienced/credentialed trainer, but I am huge believer in the power of expertise. (I expect to be compensated for mine, after all.)  Plus, last year I interviewed Pete for a story I was doing for Cooking Light, and I knew then he was exceptionally passionate about his work. Nonetheless, here are a few things I was scared about:

I feared I would sense some disapproval or negative judgment of my technically-5-pounds-overweight body, or that I would be weighed and lectured as an introduction to Personal Training. This did not happen. In fact, Pete said that I seemed to be in pretty good shape, and that I looked good, especially considering the calorie-load of my work. In fact, the topic of weight and body size never came up at all. The focus remained exactly where I wanted to be: on building strength, well being, and injury prevention.

I feared I would be plopped on treadmill for a significant part of my session. I’ve seen trainers do this before, but I told Pete I had cardio under control and I don’t think he even considered putting me on a cardio machine.

I feared I would be expected/required to do things I simply can not do. We talked about the fact that I can’t do a single push-up and would like to, and Pete set me up a simple, quick set of exercises that I can really do. I know that it can help to do a kind of half push-up, where your body is at a 45 degree angle to the ground and your hands rest on an elevated surface, but I couldn’t figure out how to set this up for myself. Turns out there’s an adjustable contraption at the gym for this, and now I know how to use it.

I feared I would be lectured about my indulgent restaurant-crazy diet. Pete spent about a minute giving me a few tips on avoiding overeating in restaurants, which of course I know. And that was that.

Overall, I feel really good about it and I’m looking forward to doing these exercises alone and meeting with Pete again next week. For me, $375 is a lot of money. But the thing is I do without a lot of things in life (a car, vacations, a big house, nice clothes) so I have resources to invest in the things that are most important to me (ongoing education, organic produce, pastured meats, etc.) and my well being and self esteem are priorities. It’s an investment in my future self.

You may have noticed I didn’t post yesterday. First of all, I have an extremely unpleasant and mysterious back pain that I told you about on Tuesday. It’s still here, giving me grief, and, worst of all, keeping me out of my desk chair. Sitting hurts the most. It’s a bummer. I haven’t been out running, fearing I’ll make it worse, which puts me in a miserable mood.

Also, I drank on Tuesday night. Nothing extreme–I had two drinks over dinner. The fact is that I was just getting really angry at myself for sticking to a program that had outlived it’s usefulness for me. I think I have learned some valuable things:

• In spite of my alcoholic lineage, I myself am definitely not an alcoholic.
• Booze does not affect my weight as much as I hoped/feared it did.
• Drinking has a large impact on my sleep.
• Limited drinking affects my overall moodiness is a positive way.

I didn’t think I needed any more data with regard to these findings. Another reason I decided to have those drinks is because I’m anxious to start living what I believe will be my new approach to drinking. I want to see that I won’t go back to my auto-drinking old ways. I still plan not to drink over the weekend, not for the sake of this project, but because I hope in the future to drink only once or twice a week.

All in all, three drinks during the entire month is more success than failure. Especially considering how much I generally suck at depriving myself of anything.

Oh, one more thing. In other news, I just scheduled my first personal training session. How long have I been yammering about wanting to do it? I mean, OK, it’s expensive, but I have a little money saved for something special, and what could possibly be a better gift to myself? And seriously, I can’t stand this back pain. If I can protect myself from future occurrences with some strength training, I’ve got to try. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Yesterday was a busy day. In the morning, I filed two pieces that were due, then I made my way to Center City in the driving sideways rain to meet a friend for lunch. At home, I drank a cup tea, organized my thoughts, and then dug into researching markets and sending queries. (I’m participating in a query challenge game organized by a freelance writers group to which I belong.)

Around 5:30 I got up from my desk to start the pizza dough for last night’s dinner and noticed that my lower back really hurt. And the pain kept getting worse until I went to bed. I woke up today in less pain than last night, but my back is still sore and stiff. I don’t know if I should run today as I planned to. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to treat it because I never had back pain before. The most annoying part is, I don’t even know how this happened. Yesterday morning I had no pain at all.

I’m supposed to go out to dinner tonight, provided the pain doesn’t get worse. Does anyone have any tips for making lower back pain go away?

One week remains. If I ever do this again, I’m not choosing a month with five weekends. What was I thinking? That said, the weekend wasn’t bad or anything. I was home all weekend, working, cooking, reading, watching TV–all my favorite weekend activities. This week I actually made a meal plan and I have just one restaurant visit scheduled, so it should be smooth sailing until Friday. Hopefully being so close to the end will give me an added motivation boost to pull me through the final prohibition weekend.

Huh. Well there it is. 14-something. I haven’t logged a weight in the 140s since November 5. But that was an anomalous blip. The last time I spent some time in the 140s was September, and I haven’t seen 148 since the summer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of set points–that each human body has a highly individualized optimal weight it was settle on if a whole foods diet is eaten intuitively and an appropriate amount of physical activity is engaged in. I think there are factors that might alter this set point. Decades of over or under eating, for example. Or yo-yo dieting that goes back to preadolescence in my case.

I don’t know what that is for my body. This could be it. Or, possibly, my frequent restaurant review visits, have me resting above whatever it is for me. But maybe not. There is a lot about weight that isn’t well understood. Like how some of the skinniest people I’ve ever known are also some of the most voracious consumers of high calorie junk food. I know it’s possible for me to be fit and healthy at this weight. But is it possible for me to be really happy with what I see in the mirror? I hope so, but most of the time, I can not imagine that being so.

Is this a blip, or the direct result of the fact that I ran over 20 miles this past week while drinking just one glass of wine? What am I supposed to weigh?