What I Weigh Today

I was surprised to see that number on the scale. I thought it would be higher. Why? Well, Dan went out of town on Monday, and instead of running away to a family member’s or friend’s house, I decided I would stay here and stare down my fear of being home alone overnight.

And, amazingly to me, I started using food to combat boredom, loneliness, and anxiety in a way I haven’t since I was a teenager. I mindlessly wandered to the refrigerator over and over for a spoonful of peanut butter or a chunk of cheese. Nothing I ate, not even a perfectly healthy, homemade dinner like this one was enough. Not to mention the fact that I drank a glass of wine an hour after the sun went down each day. Because of the fact that I’ve barely slept, I’ve also barely exercised. I thought I would find that I weighed 155.

Now Dan is back on Pennsylvania soil, I feel relieved. I also feel disappointed in myself though. I was not the strong rational 32 year old I want to be. It did not get easier on each consecutive night. On Wednesday morning, with two nights down and two to go, I cried for an hour, exhausted, ashamed, hungry, and full all at the same time. Why can’t I just be normal?

Many of my friends live alone in their own houses. One particularly courageous friend told me a story about a time she was awoken by the sound of glass shattering in her kitchen (her unalarmed house is one of those Philadelphia neighborhoods considered by some to be not yet quite gentrified enough). She said she got out of bed, closed and locked her bedroom door, and fell back to sleep. In the morning, she discovered it was only a wineglass that fell off a counter where it was perched too near the edge. Can you imagine?

Yesterday I was too out of sorts and afraid of the scale to blog, but December 10th is What I Weigh Today’s first birthday. How about that? I weigh exactly the same as I did last year and during the last 12 months, I’ve basically weighed the same within a 5 or 8 pound range. The big difference now though is I feel like I’m making peace with my body, accepting myself not only when I lose 15 pounds but just as I am right now. This blog, the online community, (and you, readers) has been so important in getting to that place in my mind, not that I’m exactly “there” yet. I can’t say how much I appreciate every single person who has sent me an e-mail or posted a comment here.

A Short List of Things Readers & Commentors Have Helped Me Do:

• Run! This time last year, I ran only sporadic short distances on the treadmill. Now I can run 5 mile loops around Philly. Yay! Your advice and encouragement rules.
• Dress Better! When I started What I Weigh Today I had NOTHING to wear. Now, thanks to your tips (MyShape.com, Levi’s denim, etc.) and some serious shopping, I have quite a few outfits that make me feel great. My newest discovery is these great affordable jeans with a wide, slightly stretchy waistband (that doesn’t look, you know, elastic)
• Start a Food Blog! Ever since I first started here, people have been asking for two things: more recipes and pictures. Well, now I have Oyster Evangelist, which has both. For years I was afraid of blogging because I couldn’t shoot photos and I didn’t have a camera. Finally, I started this one and loved it so much my motivation overcame my hesitation.
• Give Myself a Break! Really, it’s harder to talk trash about myself when I have people telling me that I’ve helped them, or that I’ve said things they always felt but didn’t know how to say. When I see how kind you are to me it makes me feel better about myself and the world.
• Reconnect! Through blogging, I  feel closer to old friends that are now far away and like I have a lot of new friends I haven’t met in person yet. When you work at home, alone, and are basically a very chatty and social person, that makes a big improvement in your quality of life.

I can’t thank you enough for being the best and most exciting part of 2009.